From Abortion To Restoration – Part 1

Posted November 11, 2024

I had an abortion. If you asked me, I would describe myself as a good kid. In my heart, I desired to please the Lord, even at a young age. I was against doing drugs, smoking, and immoral acts, though I had a strong desire to be loved and liked by the opposite sex. Nonetheless, I had managed to remain a virgin all the way to my senior year in high school. My auntie who raised me from seven years old, kept a tight leash on me all the years I was under her care. When I turned 18, she began to give me some freedom, and with that freedom, I began to go out dancing at the clubs. And there was where I met the young man that I would lose my virginity and become pregnant by. I fell hard for this young man, and I fell fast, and I fell deep—the kind of deep that no warning sign with Christmas lights attached to it could have stopped me.

I introduced him to my auntie, who, at this point was battling breast cancer and didn't have long before she was to be with the Lord. My aunt had never talked to me about sex or babies or anything of the sort until I introduced this young man to her. She came to me one day and blatantly said, “Baby, if you get pregnant, please don't kill the baby. Bring it home to me”. I was so confused as to why she would say that so randomly… because I was still a virgin at this point.

I eventually entered my first year of college, and my auntie sadly passed away, soon after I left, and I was no longer a virgin. The relationship I had with this young man was very toxic. It consisted of physical and verbal abuse, but I just thought that this was what love was. Eventually, I came up pregnant, and there was no question in my mind of keeping it. I was cold, harsh, and calculated, and nothing or no one would stop me. To me, this baby was going to, single-handedly, ruin my life. I was a freshman in college and had my whole life ahead of me, and the last thing I needed was to be someone's baby's mama. Everyone wanted this baby. My sister tried to stop me. The father of the child tried to stop me. His family tried to stop me. I even had a very close guy friend who also tried to stop me. I remember this friend took me to the hospital to get tested because I didn't believe the four or five tests I had already taken that clearly showed I was positively pregnant. If “denial” is a river in Egypt, then I was drowning in that river. The nurse confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. This friend, in sheer desperation, pleaded to the nurse, “Please, ma'am, tell her to keep it.” The nurse asked, “Are you the father?” He sadly responded, “No, but I could be”. He was a sweet, kind young man who had been in love with me, but I chose the bad boy over him. But he still stayed in my life and was prepared to even help raise a child that didn't belong to him. Still, my mind was made up, and absolutely no one would change it, not even God himself.

I began searching the Yellow Pages for abortion clinics. I came across an ad that said in bold letters, Abortion Clinic. So, I called the number, and a lady with a soft, sweet voice answered the phone. I said, “Is this the abortion clinic?” Before I knew it, the lady began to go off on a tangent about saving the lives of innocent babies. I was flabbergasted, because I clearly called an abortion clinic, and now this lady was literally begging me not to take my child's life. The worst part is, that I knew it was the Lord, using every avenue He could to stop me. But my heart was calloused over with selfishness. In the middle of the lady pleading on behalf of a stranger's child, I hung up the phone.Nothing was going to stop me. I made it to the abortion clinic. The best way for me to describe it is an emotionless, cold, dark, dry, barren, silent place. There were plenty of women there that day. The room was sad and silent. You could feel the shame tangibly. A girl sat next to me and just started a conversation with me saying to me how she has too many kids already, and she can't have another one. I asked her, “How many do you have?” I believe she said, four or five. And you won't believe it, but I asked her, “Can’t you just have this one? You can do it.” Looking back, I only scoffed at myself. The nerve I had to plead for another child's life. All while I’m about to give up my own. It doesn't make sense. I just figured, since she already had experienced it, that what would it hurt to keep this one? I can't remember her response. I just know we both went through with it. The nurses in the clinic, if you can even call them that, were just as cold as the atmosphere itself. I believe in order to be a part of this kind of heinous act, you have to turn off any kind of moral compass you may have had. All that is left is a dark shadow of yourself. The procedure I received was something like a vacuum that sucked the fetus out of me. It didn't take long, but when I left that place, any self-worth I had was sucked out of me along with that fetus. I didn't blink an eye or shed a tear. In my mind, it was over, and I could move forward with my life.

But moving forward never happened. My life seemingly became worse off after that event. The father of the child was a cheater. He eventually married another woman and started a family. I was kicked out of college for a low GPA, evicted from my apartment, my car was repo’d, [repossessed] and I was fired from my job. I lived with people for years and slept on people's floors. I had nothing. All I had was Jesus, and I began to seek His face more and more amidst my trials.

Years had gone by, and I still had never shed a tear for that baby. I can't say I felt any remorse at all, though I knew what I did was wrong. I always thought of the child, though. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl—how they would have been? I wondered a lot. I love children, and children loved me, but I couldn't fathom being a mother to anyone at all.

When I came to Heartdwellers, my life would never be the same again. There, through Mother Claire's videos, I learned of the Lord's mercy, His love, and His forgiveness. I also learned of his thoughts about abortion. I remember while listening to the Lord, through Mother Claire's voice, explain how he handpicked that child for that parent, how that child would have brought joy and love to that person, how that child was a special gift from the Lord to the mother and father. At that moment, the callous walls around my heart came crashing down. The pain, the shame, the realization of what I had done was so intense I could have committed suicide. It hurts—even as I speak, it hurts. Every tear I didn't shed came forth and they never stopped. I still cry for that baby, even now I'm so sorry for what I've done.After years of selfish denial, I had finally come to my senses, and with that, I promised the Lord I would never ever repeat that mistake. I promised I would trust him if I ever got pregnant again. Not that I wanted to, I was still seemingly very content with never having children. At this point in life, I was convinced I couldn't even have babies.

It had been well over 10 years since the abortion, and I was no saint… if you know what I mean. If I were to have children, ideally, I would have liked to have been married, but I didn't even think that would happen either. So, I made up my mind that I was okay—and I would be okay either way. Something that never leaves your mind and thoughts are the questions of, “What if…” I wonder what he or she would have been like. I wonder, was it a he or she? As I lay on my bed one morning pondering these questions, I heard the Lord say, “It's a girl. And her name is Jasmine”. He also told me how old she would have been, has she lived? I did some calculations based on the time frame. I found out I was pregnant. The child would have indeed been the age I heard. I also looked up the meaning of the name Jasmine, which is not a name I would have chosen personally, but this is the name the Lord chose for her. It means “A gift from God”. When I saw that, I just sobbed, crying. To make a long story short, I came to know that all aborted children are with Jesus, they have forgiven their parents, and they love us and pray for us.

Mother, Elisha, in one of her visitations to heaven, met my daughter, Jasmine. She shares the story in one of her testimony videos. Once, Jasmine asked Mother if she could please ask me to press in and try my best to visit her in the spirit—and I did. One day I will share that conversation with you if you would like. But right now, this testimony has become quite long.

The ending is very sweet, though. I met my husband on a mission trip in Ghana with Mother Elijah. We married, and two months later, at the tender age of 40 years old, I found out I was pregnant. Today, I am a mother of a beautiful two-month-old baby girl, and it is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. The best way for me to describe it is, in this life. It's like Christmas every day. She is truly a gift from God that I didn't know I needed. I would like to say to any mother thinking of aborting—please, please, please, I beg you—to taste and see that the Lord is good. He will surely provide for you and this child. Please, don't throw away this precious gift. The Lord has a purpose and a plan that you can't see. Your life will never be the same if you say yes to God's plan. I love you all when I pray this testimony saves lives, and changes hearts and minds for the glory of the Lord, amen.